Paint you're wagging...

Due to astounding dexterity in the able-to-talk-to-companies-into-giving-us-goodies-for-freemans department, the newly elected board at FC United of Manchester have told me they are able to offer the following:

This Sunday at 11:30am, as reward for all their hard work, we’re calling out to all our volunteers to come to our new office and savour a variety of free quality ales, free head massages, extensive foot, back and neck tickling facilities, free flights to a limited number of European destinations for the outdoory, free orangey spray tans for the indoory, competitively priced sack-and-crack deals for the more hirsute, a blackhead squeezing woman, a box of mis-shape Wispas, a kebab bloke who won’t stop putting kebab stuff on your kebab until he gets tennis elbow, Andy Walsh arm wrestling 70s pop princess Mary Hopkins and a whole panoply of mops to admire or even mess with.

All the above are untrue besides ’this Sunday at 11:30am at the new office’ and the ’Mary Hopkins’ bit. And the mops of course.

This Sunday at 11:30am, as oft stated, we are opening the doors of the club’s new office for you to come and look how smart and yours they are. Except they’re not that smart yet. They’re still yours, though.

That’s where you come in. And stay for a few hours. The office space needs preparing and painting. We’ve got all the sealer, filler and paint a football club could need and we’re going to use it.

We have a 13 metre by 15 metre vaulted ceiling, four fat walls, a porky floor and 14 windows to prepare, seal and paint. White painted ceiling and walls, black painted window frames, radiators and pillars, red floor. It will look beautiful. It does now but it will look even more beautifuller after we’ve given it a good coat of fan-owned-club loving.


Ask not what your club can do for you, but what you can do for your club"¦ What can I do for my club? I knew you was going to ask that"¦

If you’ve volunteered before then great, see you there. This is also a chance for all those people who want to volunteer to put a bit of time aside. Come and meet new Red mates you might see at the match but never talk to. Build your football community. The last time we wrapped up about half two’ish and went for public house refreshment.

It would take a few tradesmen a day or two to do it to a craft standard. We don’t need that Rolls-Royce job, we just need a load of us whacking it out, all taking a little piece each and doing it. Many hands make polite work. Anyone can roll a roller, anyone can use a paint brush, you just move your arm up and down, sometimes side to side, we don’t want a masterpiece, so don’t be shy.

We have some FC tradesmen on site to direct the proceedings. We’ll start at the ceiling and work our way down. We just need it cleaned and painted. And for you to not do anything daft like fall out of a window or something.

The more comedy paint-splashes-on-faces the better. There will be photographic evidence for club posterity. We’ll have a pint of Speckled Hen afterwards to celebrate. And play dot-to-dot on your mush.

What will I need? What can I bring?"¦

You will need a hearty breakfast to take you through. I’d say ’brunch’ but I’d be embarrassed to do so. Walsh brought a load of industrial sized tea flasks last time, but this time he might have his work cut out as Hopkins is not as petite as she first appears.

Bring as many of the following items as you can, but if you can’t, don’t worry as we already have some, so still come: Bring as many rollers and paint trays as you want. Bring step ladders. Bring some scrapers. Bring 1 to 2 inch brushes that can paint window frames. Bring some fatter brushes. Some Tracey’s turps. Some sandpaper.

Bring some old clothes that you don’t mind getting splattered with paint as it’s a strong possibility that by the afternoon there will be a few walking Jackson Pollocks knocking about. If we clump them all together, and then the rest of us stand back a bit they might look like a red, white and black Monet.

Where and when?"¦

It’d be nice if you contacted the office on 0161 236 1070 or email office@fc-utd.uk to see how many we’ve got coming but if you don’t that’s alright. But try. Fifth Floor, Hope Mill, Pollard Street, Ancoats, 11:30am.

In the words, as many of you will know, of a lovely old track by The Soulettes - ’Bring your fine self home’. Shee you Shunday"¦