CYCM: BIFURCATE CAKE...

This Saturday FC United of Manchester play IPA or DFS or VPL, I’ve forgotten which, sorry. Course You Can Malcolm welcomes you back to 2011 by getting back to punk football basics with a Manchester punk band. They’re called ‘The Revenge of the Psychotronic Man’. They have an immense rating on the Manchester punk scene. They are loud. Very loud.

For those in need of a syringe at the doctor’s, don’t bother, the band’s amps will loosen any ear wax for you. Make sure it doesn’t pop out into your pint during the 22-minute set. Those using suppositories may want to start worrying now. Or bring a towel. The band have promised us an especially rehearsed-for-CYCM debut of a cover version for the set. I’m doubting it’s a Tina Charles or a Kenny number.

ISH DISH WISH…

12.00ish: Diana Doors open. Liquidity commences.

12.30ish: Tater hash arrives from Openshaw, a five bean veggie chilli arrives from an undisclosed board member and Eyebrows puts the kettle on for the sausages and onions.

1.00ish: Andy Walsh arrives from the Main Stand to give you all a good New Year’s talking to (tbc).

1.45ish: Margentiferous. Murrjy tells us of his terrible twos.

2.00ish: Revenge of the Psychotronic Man blast any toupées skew-whiff, snap the lazzy in your Magic Knickers.

2.30ish: Let Twomowers take you to a realm of cheer with ‘This team is sheet’.

3.00dead: On a Saturday they’re ours.

3.45ish Come back into CYCM and discuss silly goals given away.

BURDOCKTOR DOCTOR, CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE BURNING, BURNING…

A Norwegian chef is baking cakes for us. In what I thought was a quite normal conversation, the chef thought it was quite acceptable to say the following when I asked what sort of cakes?:

‘Chocolate chip cake, vanilla cake and err… dandelion and burdock cake’.

Now I’ve been on this planet a bit and worried a substantial amount of sugary nosies but I have never eaten dandelion and burdock cake. Cake, yes. Dandelion and burdock, yes. Together in cake form? No. I might try and fork my dandelion from my burdock and eat that first. Trying something so simple but so unusual before a United game…very FC United of Manchester.

GUEST BEER…

Blaine the Ron Quixote drayman has some guest beer, we’re just not sure what it is. We’ve contacted him but he’s just a bit busy at the moment with his philandering, full- bodied, always-satisfying-aftertaste-of-woman ways. The lad’s just a hunk-a-hunk of burning love and the ladies just can’t get enough of his A-Z of ABVs. Let’s just hope he’s not stored the guest beer near himself or they will be red hot when they arrive.

AND THAT…

So pull your grubbies high, tuck your vest down low and saggle up and join a little part of Manchester that’s come to enlighten the cultural non-Manchesterness of an area we are forced to play in before we get to the cultural lightness that is east central Manchester. Another game, another few bob raised by the power of our pub towards those nicer times.

Usual member with one guest/self-policing rules apply.

And yes, ‘bifurcate’ is a word. Probably our favourite of the year so far. It’s got past Club General Secretary, Lindsey Robertson’s ‘oo err mrs’ editing eye so it can’t be that rude. Or is it? It should be.

Together, as always, to the next three points…

Spirit, patience, gentlenessly yours

The CYCM Oddies.